god*pi

The Great Tea Cup of Mr. Bonaventure

2008-03-09T00:18:00.002-05:00

F. Scott Fitzgerald declared Gatsby to be Great, so it went without saying that Mr. Bonaventure's tea cup was also Great, for it held approximately 12 fluid ounces of liquid -- a full 50% more than an actual cup. This tea cup was also Great because it increased the specific enthalpy of any liquid poured into its confines by approximately 13%. That is, instead of h = u + Pv, the cup locally altered the laws of thermodynamics so that h = 1.13 * (h = u + Pv).

The implications of this intriguing property were clear: by running a constant stream of any liquid in and out of the cup, one would increase the energy contained within said stream by 13% without any cost whatsoever, thereby providing an unlimited supply of energy. Had Mr. Bonaventure realized this before his untimely death, he may have been remembered as the man who ended the Great Self-Imposed Energy Crisis of the 21st Century.

Unfortunately for Mr. Bonaventure -- and, indeed, for us all -- he died from a massive aneurysm three days before he would have discovered the Great cup on the top shelf of his pantry, where it had spontaneously materialized a week earlier when the comet 178P/Hug-Bell passed the point of equidistance between Mars and Jupiter. Some prime number of seconds after his death, the Great cup abruptly vanished from the shelf, and is now orbiting a yet-undiscovered planet in the outer reaches of galaxy TN J0924-2201, along with the left-hand hamate bone of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Time Zones

2008-01-06T19:53:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: is in Milwaukee. Bokonon79 is in Boston. Timestamps are EST.

[19:54] d0wnwardsp1ral: american gladiators!
[19:55] d0wnwardsp1ral: which means i have to endure 5 more min of deal or no deal
[19:55] Bokonon79: OH NO
[19:55] Bokonon79: INTELLIGENCE--
[19:55] d0wnwardsp1ral: are you watching?
[19:55] Bokonon79: nope!
[19:55] Bokonon79: !INTELLIGENCE--
[19:55] d0wnwardsp1ral: UNACCEPTABLE
[19:55] Bokonon79: wait
[19:55] Bokonon79: I thought american gladiators was at 9
[19:55] d0wnwardsp1ral: 8-10 debut, i guess
[19:55] Bokonon79: I'll check
[19:56] Bokonon79: Nope
[19:56] Bokonon79: deal or no deal, 7-9
[19:56] Bokonon79: 2 HOURS FOR SOME REASON
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
[19:56] Bokonon79: American Gladiators
[19:56] Bokonon79: 9-11
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: TIME ZONES
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: i was like
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: 9?
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: it doesn't come on in an hour
[19:56] Bokonon79: it does
[19:56] Bokonon79: 8-10 central
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahah
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahah
[19:56] d0wnwardsp1ral: i looked at the clock on my computer
[19:56] Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
[19:56] Bokonon79: I KNEW IT
[19:57] Bokonon79: I was like
[19:57] Bokonon79: he's so looking at his computer clock
[19:57] Bokonon79: but I'll let him figure it out
[19:57] d0wnwardsp1ral: goddammit

Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

2007-02-27T21:44:00.000-05:00

First question: In what month is Columbus Day celebrated?

d0wnwardsp1ral: I don't know when most holidays are... I don't know when Columbus Day is, I don't know when Labor Day is, I don't know when the 4th of July is...
Bokonon79: Can I quote you on that?
d0wnwardsp1ral: huh?
Bokonon79: BLOGGED*

* Conversation converted from real life to AIM.

My Christmas Pageant

2006-12-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

JESUS finds himself in an intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, absent-mindedly holding a Happy Meal in his left hand. Hundreds of SANTA's elves are scurrying this way and that, carrying half-finished toys, unpainted candy-canes, and other soon-to-be Christmas paraphenalia. One of them bumps into SANTA as he wanders into the fray with a oversized blowtorch.

SANTA: Hello, Jesus. How are you?

JESUS: Good, good. How are you, Santa?

SANTA: Same-old-same-old... busiest time of the year, you know.

JESUS: Yeah, I hear ya. Big birthday coming up and all... doesn't seem like it's been 5311 years but hey.

SANTA: Yeah. Hey, this small talk is boring the hell out of me.

With a single, agile move, SANTA blasts JESUS with his blowtorch, igniting most of his hair into a healthy blaze.

JESUS: [laughing] Oh man, I'm sorry. Let's get this party started.

SANTA: Bueno... ¿Has mirado como beben los peces en el rio?

An elf presents SANTA with a two-headed Barbie doll and looks for his instruction. SANTA scoops up the elf and swallows him whole.

JESUS: No he mirado nada. El rio está en fuego, entonces está lleno de sangre.

SANTA: ¡¿De veras?! [burps]

JESUS: Sí, es la verdad, pero mis hermanas están escondidas al dentro de la tierra.

SANTA: Pasa así de vez en cuando. Una vez, el Gran Borrador de Sicilia se escondía por dos meses, pero no le gustó los caminos invisibles.

JESUS: Perfecto. ¡Vamos a estar borrachos!

SANTA: Por supuesto.

JESUS and SANTA exit the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic. As they leave, the smoke from JESUS' burning beard begins to take the form of the QUEEN OF SPADES.

QUEEN OF SPADES: All of you have gained thirteen points! If any of you now have over one hundred points, the player with the fewest number of points shall be declared the winner. If more than one person is tied for the fewest number of points, there shall a tiebreaker, as follows.

The QUEEN OF SPADES motions toward UMBERTO ECO, who has begun to descend from the ceiling atop a Pillsbury Crescent Roll.

UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.

QUEEN OF SPADES: Whosoever is tied for the lowest point total shall engage in a debate about the merits of classic Trivial Pursuit versus Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s Edition. Whosoever wins the debate (as determined by the biblical representation of King Solomon) shall be declared the winner. Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now. Whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down. I'm a searchlight soul they say, but I can't see it in the night; I'm only faking when I get it right.

The scene falls to black for a moment. When the light returns, the scene is no longer the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic; it has become an endless sea of discarded Butterfinger wrappers. Suddenly, BUD SELIG and DAVID STERN fly into view at supersonic speeds, eventually colliding with each other and producing an earth-sundering explosion. Unfazed and unhurt, SELIG and STERN immediately jump to their feet and assume sparring stances.

SELIG: WAAAAAAAAHH-

STERN: HRRRRRUUUUUUHHHHH-

The two engage in a brutal deathmatch. SELIG opens the bout by slicing off STERN's left arm with his 3-foot-long thumbnail. STERN responds by removing his own stomach and, using his esophagus as a whip, flailing SELIG mercilessly. The fight continues in this manner for several minutes, during which various limbs and organs perish and several hundred gallons of blood are spilled onto the set. At some point, a hacksaw measuring 57 inches in diameter mounted at the end of a pendulum begins swinging back and forth, providing an additional obstacle and increasing the general level of carnage. In the finale, STERN's head manages to leap onto SELIG's pancreas and stab it repeatedly with what used to be SELIG's left femur. This ends the fight, but STERN's victory quickly becomes a moot point after a 48,019-pound barracuda casually ingests his head as it floats across the set. There is silence for 8 seconds before PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH presses CTRL+ALT+DELETE on the Iraq War.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Freedom.exe: This program is not responding. To return to Windows and check the status of the program, click Cancel. If you choose to end the program immediately, you will lose any unsaved data. To end the program now, click End Now.

The President snickers and clicks the mouse.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You chose to end the nonresponsive program Freedom.exe.

KING CHENEY XIII: My kingdom 'tis of thee, sweet land of misery, of thee I sing!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Please tell Microsoft about this program. Send Error Report. Don't send. Hmmmm.

KING CHENEY XIII: My array of 4,591 hearts shall make me immortal!!!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: I really can't decide what to do, and I must uphold my public image as the Decider, who Decides.

KING CHENEY XIII: More hearts! More brains! More gall bladders!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: In trying times like this, I always turn to the Good Book.

JESUS: Conozco un libro bueno.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Oh really? ¿Cuál libro es?

JESUS: Es un libro de Umberto Eco, "La Nombre de la Rosa."

UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You bastard! You just ruined the Good Book!

KING CHENEY XIII: And more glucose-rich blood and oxygen so that my mitochondria may produce ever more adenosine triphosphate!

SANTA: Okay, all together now!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

KING CHENEY XIII: And I shall create a device to transform the neurological impulses that trigger happiness into oil!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me. Que será, será -- whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see...

KING CHENEY XIII: With all of the blood and organs and oil, I shall become the north star Polaris!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] ...que será, será.

A Thorough Analysis of Contemporary Parking Meter Technology

2006-10-19T14:49:00.000-04:00

Bokonon79: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/ 2006/10/solarpowered_pa.html
Bokonon79: what the fuck?
d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
Bokonon79: solar powered in boston?
Bokonon79: doesn't a credit card system consume a lot of power?
d0wnwardsp1ral: i assume not
Bokonon79: I mean, it has to make a network connection of some sort
Bokonon79: you could probably bork one by swiping a card repeatedly and then canceling the transaction
d0wnwardsp1ral: you don't need power for that
Bokonon79: OH RIGHT
Bokonon79: ETHERNET = POWERED BY THE ETHER
d0wnwardsp1ral: can't you use that really low-power broadband thing?
d0wnwardsp1ral: what's it called
Bokonon79: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's got a funny name
Bokonon79: the thing JJD invented?
d0wnwardsp1ral: no
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's real
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's like
d0wnwardsp1ral: hrmmmm
d0wnwardsp1ral: what is it called
Bokonon79: WIMAX
Bokonon79: JEA
Bokonon79: JPEN
Bokonon79: PROTECT AMERICA
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh right
Bokonon79: AEGON
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's called
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE SCORING ENGINE
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: IT DOES EVERYTHING
d0wnwardsp1ral: zigbee
d0wnwardsp1ral: i knew it was some stupid weird name
Bokonon79: oh that thing
d0wnwardsp1ral: i guess it's not broadband
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's wireless
Bokonon79: yeah
Bokonon79: zigbee = supersmall wireless transmitter
Bokonon79: which I imagine could actually work
Bokonon79: although actually if you had a powered ethernet line
Bokonon79: that could work too
d0wnwardsp1ral: or if you had a midget
d0wnwardsp1ral: running back and forth
Bokonon79: YES
d0wnwardsp1ral: from the thing
Bokonon79: fricken midgets
d0wnwardsp1ral: to the credit card company
Bokonon79: BECAUSE MIDGETS CAN MOVE INFINITELY FAST
Bokonon79: A = F/M
Bokonon79: M-->0!!!!
Bokonon79: (SAY SOMETHING FUNNY, I WANT TO BLOG THIS)
d0wnwardsp1ral: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bokonon79: BRILLIANT

A Golden Oldie

2006-06-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

Party people
Yeah Tag Team music comin' straight atacha
That's me DC the Brain Supreme
And my man Steve Roll'n
We're kicking the flow we're kickin'
And it goes a little somethin' like this
Tag Team back again check it top
Wreck it - let's begin
Party people let me hear some noise
DC's in the house jump jump and rejoice
There's a party over here
a party over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake the deriere
These three words mean you're gettin' busy
Whoomp, there it is

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

Upside down and inside out
I'm about to show all you folks
What's it's all about
Now it's time to get on the mic
And make this party hype
I'm talking it back to the old school
'Cause I'm an old fool who's so cool
If you want to get down
I'm gonna show you the way: whoomp, there it is
Let me hear you say...

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka

Point blank gin and juice I drank
Gettin' bent and bent and as I puff on a dankt
Rock the mic, uh, oh I see rave skin
Rip skit find a honeydip to dip it in
Slam dunk it stick it flip it and ride
That is double O D D Y oh my
Ooh that it come on come on
Whoomp there it is I'm done

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

Hey, some say I'm crazy
'Cause I'm pushin' up daises
The underground sound that you have found
Amazing outstanding demanding
Commanding you people dancin'
That's a breath taker
I produce AKA the undertaker
You want to come down to the underground
Old school - here's a shovel can dig it fool
Can you dig it?
We can dig it
Can y'll dig it?
We can dig it!

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

W H double-O M P as I flow
To the fly from the school of old
Hardcore kick the folk lore wreck
Three to the two and one mic-check
Mad skill flow ill on the mesh of steel
That's the grill of the microphone I just killed
Party people it's your party Tag Team is through
Whoomp there it is I thought you knew

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

Yeha Tag Team comin' straight atcha
That's me DC the brain supreme
And my man Steve Roll'n
Bring it back ya'll bring it back ya'll bring it back
Here we go

WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS

I Wanna Know Where Da Gold At

2006-05-08T22:10:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&search=leprechaun
d0wnwardsp1ral: i watched that like at 4 o'clock last night
d0wnwardsp1ral: and found it to be pretty much the funniest thing ever
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: HAHAHAHAHA
d0wnwardsp1ral: IT'S A CRACKHEAD
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahahahahha
Bokonon79: AMATEUR SKETCH
d0wnwardsp1ral: THEY'RE JUST HAPPY TO BE ON TV
d0wnwardsp1ral: that's totally what i thought
d0wnwardsp1ral: i can't tell
Bokonon79: hahahahahhaahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: ahahahahhahaahhaa
d0wnwardsp1ral: COULD BE A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: THAT GOT INTO THE WRONG STUFF
Bokonon79: NOT A LEPRECHAUN FLUTE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAHAHAHA
Bokonon79: GIVE ME THE GODE!
d0wnwardsp1ral: MAN, THIS IS EVEN FUNNIER THE SECOND TIME THROUGH
Bokonon79: I WANT THE GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: this is ridiulous
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE CRACKHEAD LINE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAD ME LAUGHING FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT
Bokonon79: nice
Bokonon79: BORKED
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIKE
d0wnwardsp1ral: what kind of news channel
d0wnwardsp1ral: airs that?
Bokonon79: LOCAL NEWS
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://wheredagold.ytmnd.com/
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: that's so awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: "if you shine a light in its direction, it disappears"
Bokonon79: why would a leprechaun have a flute that was like half its size
Bokonon79: ?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: why are you trying to be rational?
Bokonon79: BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY
Bokonon79: I think that's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time
d0wnwardsp1ral: I THINK IT'S A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: I'M GON' UPROOT THAT TREE
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHERE THA GOL' AT?
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD
d0wnwardsp1ral: GIMME THE GOLD
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GOLD!
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD

Back to Basics

2006-05-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: i now have nothing to do
d0wnwardsp1ral: will you entertain me?
Bonelle: go out
d0wnwardsp1ral: i was just out
d0wnwardsp1ral: with co-workers
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm a little buzzzzzzzzzed
Bonelle: go outside and be free and happy
Bonelle: go hit on women in bars
d0wnwardsp1ral: eh
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'll just masturbate
*** Bonelle signed off at Tue May 02 20:01:48 2006.

I Wanna Be Like Jesus!

2006-04-20T20:38:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: [22:42] QTPi: it's like
[22:43] QTPi: Jesus came and was like
[22:43] QTPi: i'm going to love all these people
[22:43] QTPi: even if they suck, even if the world thinks they have no redeeming qualities, even if they're super boring
[22:44] QTPi: and he did
[22:44] QTPi: and it was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: so i'm like, wow this Jesus guy was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: i wonder what'll happen if i try to do what he did
Bokonon79: THE WATER WILL STILL BE WATER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL STILL BE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha

NESN Double Flat

2006-04-03T19:28:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf is NESNHD double flat?
d0wnwardsp1ral: how can something be double flat?
d0wnwardsp1ral: that makes no sense?
Bokonon79: huh?
d0wnwardsp1ral: top right hand corner
Bokonon79: it says Double Play
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: I CAN'T SEE SHIT DOC
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i am wearing my new classing
d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: glasses
Bokonon79: ahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: BLOGGED

The Greatest Thing Ever

2006-03-23T11:11:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: http://videosift.com/story.php?id=846
Bokonon79: what the hell is this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: Best fight scene of all time
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: what the the fucking fuck is this from?
d0wnwardsp1ral: who cares
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's awesome
Bokonon79: is that Gene Wilder?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahah
Bokonon79: I love how the sound effects are completely unsynchronized
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: the choreography doesn't make sense
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: THE KNIFE MOVES!
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: GRABBED BY THE COLLARBONE!
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf???
Bokonon79: hahahhaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahah
Bokonon79: ahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: what the fuck?!/!?!
d0wnwardsp1ral: the end is awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: how can it get better than this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh my god
d0wnwardsp1ral: this is the greatest thing ever

The DOS Days of Winter

2006-03-03T15:57:00.000-05:00

Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: life is a dos program
PurpleDaisy1337: cd ]
Bokonon79: that doesn't do anything
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: TYPO!
d0wnwardsp1ral: dir!!!!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: cd brian's penis
Bokonon79: STACK OVERFLOW!
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: Abort, Retry, Fail?
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: invoke DosKey!
Bokonon79: DOSKEY /INSERT!
Bokonon79: the only way to go
Bokonon79: I used to get so annoyed when people didn't have that in their autoexec.bat
PurpleDaisy1337: I hated that
PurpleDaisy1337: now it is standard
Bokonon79: THAT'S HARD CORE
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: now i dunno what you gus are talking about
d0wnwardsp1ral: PENIS /INSERT
Bokonon79: (all of this is going to be blogged btw)
d0wnwardsp1ral: excellent

Text Adventures

2006-02-16T19:10:00.000-05:00

PurpleDaisy1337: we are at a crossroads
Bokonon79: oh sure
PurpleDaisy1337: and those crossroads are necessitated by one thing
Bokonon79: paths lead north, east, and south
Bokonon79: there is a flask
Bokonon79: what will you do?
PurpleDaisy1337: er. can I kill the ogre?
Bokonon79: there is no ogre
PurpleDaisy1337: damn!
PurpleDaisy1337: I will drink!
Bokonon79: thou drinkest from ye flask
Bokonon79: thou hast died
PurpleDaisy1337: damn it
PurpleDaisy1337: do over!
Bokonon79: but thou has been revived as in immortal
PurpleDaisy1337: SCORE!
Bokonon79: you win!
PurpleDaisy1337: hurrah! now, to the north!
Bokonon79: you go north, but trip over ye flask

Relieving boredom, part XXVIII

2006-02-13T14:34:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm so bored
d0wnwardsp1ral: that i'm re-watching 24
Bokonon79: BORKED
Bokonon79: YOU WANT JACK BAUER TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: watchinng the ridiculousness of no cover survival again
d0wnwardsp1ral: HERE COMES THE AIR FORCE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OR THE MARINES
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHATEVER
d0wnwardsp1ral: i wonder if these actors ever feel ridiculous saying shit like
d0wnwardsp1ral: "Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel, we have hostile aircraft in vector bravo tango."
d0wnwardsp1ral: does that actually mean anything?
Bokonon79:
-->
BT
d0wnwardsp1ral: NICE
d0wnwardsp1ral: bonelle will like that one
Bokonon79: get the sigh
Bokonon79: and it shall be blogged
d0wnwardsp1ral: she's not on line, unfortunately
Bokonon79: DAMMIT
Bokonon79: how about this
Bokonon79: Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: works for me
Bokonon79: BLOGGED!

Personal Ads

2006-02-08T01:36:00.000-05:00

Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: you're basically martha stewart with 6 pack abs
Bokonon79: 6? who said 6? how about 12?
Bokonon79: or 18?
PurpleDaisy1337: pardon my saying, but 18 sounds a bit gross
Bokonon79: or how about 2^16 = 65536?
PurpleDaisy1337: dang
PurpleDaisy1337: tha'ts sort of scary
PurpleDaisy1337: a geek with abs
PurpleDaisy1337: see... THIS should be your match profile
Bokonon79: haha
Bokonon79: right
Bokonon79: I could really push the line
PurpleDaisy1337: you could!
Bokonon79: but I won't
Bokonon79: at least not in this IM window

Bokonon79:: YOUR BREASTS MUST HAVE A MINIMUM RADIUS OF 8 CM AND A VOLUME OF (4/3)(8 cm)^3 = 2144.659 cm^3
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: dude
d0wnwardsp1ral: if i were a girl
d0wnwardsp1ral: i would totally respond to that
d0wnwardsp1ral: no matter what breasts looked like
Bokonon79:: I should post all of this to craigslist
Bokonon79:: and see what happens
d0wnwardsp1ral: you should
Bokonon79:: we can link to it from the blog
Bokonon79:: it would take a lot of burden off of Bonelle
d0wnwardsp1ral: HURRY UP

Etymologies

2006-02-07T23:05:00.000-05:00

Taken from the NPR Show "Fresh Air with Terry Gross" featuring an interview with Senator Joe Biden (D-Smellaware). Start listening at 20:36.

http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?prgCode=FA&showDate=07-Feb-2006&segNum=&NPRMediaPref=WM&getAd=1

Not that we need to point out the obvious, but the note of confusion and uncertainty that enters Terry's voice at 20:50 is scientific proof that our blog was a primary source for her interview preparation, and therefore we are a reputable authority on the history of Supreme Court nominations, American democracy, and America and/or history in general... in addition to being the preeminent authority on the verb "to bork" its equivalents in other languages, of course.

What can we say, we're just awesome.

(GRAND SLAM)
KAPOW
CRUSHED!

Karaoke in the Post-9/11 World

2006-01-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: SUCKIN ON CHILI DOGS!
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THREAT OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
Bokonon79: THREAT!!!!!
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THRILL OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: FREUDIAN BORK!!!!!

Corporate Brilliance, Part XXVIII: Large Financial Institutions

2006-01-08T16:49:00.001-05:00

So I received two interesting letters in the mail the other day: one from Bank of America, and one from H&R Block.

For those unfamiliar with my finances (i.e., everyone but me), I should establish that I have a standard checking and savings account at Bank of America (the latter of which has a balance of $39.26, because, like any remotely savvy individual, I stash the bulk of my liquid savings in an ING savings account). The only reason I have this savings account with Bank of America is because it's a leftover artifact from my FleetOne combined checking/savings account from years ago, and I've been too lazy to close it.

As for H&R Block, I filed my federal taxes online with them, since it was free (although I am baffled why I still can't e-file my state taxes... like, aren't I SAVING them money by doing it electronically???)

Anyway, onto the fun.

Bank of America

I can quote the letter I received as saying the following:

Dear Brian:

Because you are a valued Bank of America customer ... beginning on or after February 6, 2006, your savings account may incur monthly maintenance fees and excess withdrawal fees.

Wow. I feel extremely valued. But it gets better:

The monthly maintenance fee on your savings account is $3. You will not receive this fee if you:

Maintain a minimum daily savings account balance of $300; or

Set up an automatic transfer of at least $25 per month from your Bank of America checking account to your savings account.

Okay, so if I'm reading this right, all I have to do is setup an automatic transfer (say, on the 20th of the month) from my checking account to my savings account for $25. Fantastic. Now, what happens if I setup another automatic transfer (say, on the 21st of the month) from my savings account to my checking account for $25? Well, clearly, since I've satisfied requirement #2, I should incur no monthly fee, and yet the net transfer into my savings account for that month is $0.

So in essence, all that Bank of America has imposed on me is maintaining a minimum balance of $25 in my checking account, but only on the 21st of the month. Ironically, the reason that I will close my savings account this week will not be because of the looming specter of monthly fees, but rather because whoever came up with these requirements (ostensibly to recover the cost of maintaining low-balance accounts) is a complete idiot. And I will be sure to point that out.

H&R Block

A couple of weeks ago, I received a CD-ROM in the mail from H&R Block that was a copy of their TaxCut software, which I can use to e-file my federal income taxes this year. Seeing as how I'm not even going to see a W-2 for at least a month (to say nothing of actually starting the filing process), I set the CD case aside on my desk, where it joined the existing Pile of Crap[tm].

Now, a few days ago, when my mail included an envelope (marked "IMPORTANT!") from H&R Block, I assumed it was just another tree-wasting reminder that I should file my taxes as soon as possible using my TaxCut software. Rather, it contained a conciliatory letter that went something like this:

Dear Brian:

Recently we mailed you a free copy of our TaxCut(R) software... Due to human error in developing the mailing list, the digits of your social security number (SSN) were used as part of your mailing label's source code, a string of more than 40 numbers and characters. Fortunately, these digits were embedded in the middle of the string, and they were not formatted in any manner that would identify them as an SSN... As a result, we believe the exposure of your SSN digits was limited to you alone, since you are the only person who would recognize their significance.

Okay, so let me get this straight. You're apologizing for divulging a highly sensitive bit of my identity out of one side of your mouth, but out of the other, you're saying it's no big deal. And on top of that -- GENIUS -- you've just basically informed me that, if I go down to the mail room and look at a certain section of anyone's TaxCut mailing label (which I would have otherwise dismissed as irrelevant gibberish), I will know their social security number.

So, essentially, by calling attention to something that's not really a problem to begin with, you've given all of your customers the means to steal each other's identities. Bravo.

By contrast, consider another large company that frequently has to deal with admitting and handling security flaws: Microsoft. When it was discovered last week that a hacker could embed malicious executable code within an image (which, by the way, really makes me wonder what the hell they were thinking when they designed their graphics engine), they didn't send a letter to all 872 billion users of Windows that said:

Dear valued Microsoft Windows user:

Your security is of paramount importance to us, which is why it is important that we share the following information with you. If you compile the enclosed source code using your favorite C++ compiler (preferably Microsoft Visual Studio 2005) and post it on the web as an image, you'll be able to take complete control over any computer that views that image.

Microsoft profoundly apologizes for any inconvenience caused by this bug.

Yeah, that wouldn't have gone over so well.

In conclusion:

KANO. WINS.

Orders of Magnitude

2005-12-30T00:41:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: QTPi's sister
d0wnwardsp1ral: accidentally turned off their dvd player
d0wnwardsp1ral: in the middle of big
d0wnwardsp1ral: fish
d0wnwardsp1ral: and they lost the remote
Bokonon79: OOPS
d0wnwardsp1ral: so they have to start the movie all over again
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: did she refer to this situation as being...
a.) BORKED
b.) MEGABORKED
c.) PERMABORKED
d0wnwardsp1ral: [00:37] d0wnwardsp1ral: [00:37] Bokonon79: did she refer to this situation as being...

a.) BORKED
b.) MEGABORKED
c.) PERMABORKED
[00:37] QTPi: haha
[00:37] QTPi: megaborked
Bokonon79: NICE

Holiday Shopping Adventures @ Amazon.com

2005-12-27T22:02:00.000-05:00

Date	Time	Location	Event Details
12/24/05	10:41 AM	NEW CASTLE DE US	Delivered
12/19/05	10:01 AM	BOSTON MA US	Delivery attempted - recipient not home
12/19/05	07:44 AM	BOSTON MA US	Arrival Scan
12/16/05	08:03 PM	SPRINGFIELD MA US	In transit
12/14/05	03:56 PM	ELKRIDGE MD US	Arrival Scan
12/14/05	---	US	Carrier notified to pick up package

Basic Thermodynamics

2005-12-11T16:10:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: do you think it's bad
d0wnwardsp1ral: that i have my window open
d0wnwardsp1ral: and my heat on?
Bokonon79: YOU'RE DESTROYING THE OZONE LAYER

(10 minutes later)

d0wnwardsp1ral: IT'S FUCKING FREEZING IN MY APT

Disoriented!

2005-12-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: ?
d0wnwardsp1ral: iy'd pri
d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm drunk
Bokonon79: BLOGGED

Logical Cohesion

2005-11-26T00:56:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: my 8 key is borked
Bokonon79: YOU BORKED IT
Bokonon79: RM -RF /
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKEN!
Bokonon79: http://www.borken.de/
Bokonon79: WILLKOMMEN!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: EGRESS!
Bokonon79: OBI-WAN KENOBI!
d0wnwardsp1ral: CAPTAIN PICARD
Bokonon79: ENGAGE! MAKE IT SO!
d0wnwardsp1ral: KIRK!
Bokonon79: PROFESSOR X
d0wnwardsp1ral: STANLEY!
Bokonon79: HUGO CHAVEZ
d0wnwardsp1ral: GRYFFINDOR!
Bokonon79: IS THAT SPELLED WITH A Y?
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient-ff&ie=UTF-8&rls=GGGL,GGGL:2005-09,GGGL:en&q=gryffindor
Bokonon79: OH OKAY
Bokonon79: IN THAT CASE
Bokonon79: CHEESE PUFFS
d0wnwardsp1ral: HELEN KELLER!
Bokonon79: ROSEMARY'S BABY
d0wnwardsp1ral: STEVIE WONDER!
Bokonon79: JERRY GARCIA
d0wnwardsp1ral: NORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Bokonon79: (*)(*)(*)YOU WIN!!!!!!!(*)(*)(*)
d0wnwardsp1ral: HARRY POTTER'S TEST EASE WAS UNPARALLELED!
d0wnwardsp1ral: ALLELES!
Bokonon79: ALLEL'D!!!!!
Bokonon79: CEREBELLUM'D!!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: CHROMOSOMES!
Bokonon79: OW, MY STOMACH LINING!
d0wnwardsp1ral: HEART BURN!
Bokonon79: R-O-L-A-I-D-S!
d0wnwardsp1ral: RELIEF
Bokonon79: STOP REPEATING ME
d0wnwardsp1ral: YOU'RE JUST SO INSPIRATIONAL
Bokonon79: INSPIRATION OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!!
Bokonon79: * !!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: .!!!!!
Bokonon79: DEPENDS ON WHO IT IS
d0wnwardsp1ral: YOUR MOM
Bokonon79: YOUR MOM
d0wnwardsp1ral: your mom
Bokonon79: no, I insist, YOUR mom
d0wnwardsp1ral: you bastard!

"Black Friday" As They Call It

2005-11-25T11:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have no idea who arbitrarily declared that the day after Thanksgiving was the day for everyone to run around in a rabid frenzy to complete their holiday shopping (answer: Wal-Mart, Macy's, Toys 'R Us, Best Buy, and the rest of the retail lobby). Depending on your choice of holiday, this year you have at least a month to do any shopping that said holiday requires. Did you hear that? AT LEAST A MONTH. Not AT LEAST A DAY. MONTH.

Therefore, by the power vested in me, I declare anyone who shops for holiday gifts on Black Friday (or anytime before December 20th, for that matter) a COMPLETELY USELESS SYCOPHANT WHOSE FEEBLE BRAIN IS HOSTAGE TO THE NUMBINGLY FORMULAIC AND HOPELESSLY INEPT MARKETING TACTICS OF MAJOR RETAILERS.

That said, this is hilarious:

Shoppers Scuffle at Orlando Wal-Mart

(Is the local news station featured here WFTV or WTFTV?)

Oh, and Mr(s). Media, there is blood on your hands too for writing stories like this:

One Word: Electronics

OH MY GOD!!! THE WORLD RAN OUT OF DISCOUNT ELECTRONICS THIS MORNING!!! WE'RE SCREWED!!!!

On a lighter and more random note:

Man accused of stealing $200,000 worth of Legos

And hey, I always wondered if there was an equation for this (thanks, Pei):

'Beer goggles' effect explained

EFFICIENCY

2005-11-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm gonna use my shower as a humidifier
Bokonon79: THAT'S INGENIOUS
Bokonon79: EFFICIENCY
Bokonon79: or, if you look at it another way
Bokonon79: EFFICIENCY^-1
d0wnwardsp1ral: not from my perspective
Bokonon79: exactly
Bokonon79: LAZINESS --> EFFICIENCY^-1
Bokonon79: therefore
Bokonon79: EFFICIENCY --> LAZINESS^-1
d0wnwardsp1ral: not necessarily
d0wnwardsp1ral: LAZINESS --> EFFICIENCY
d0wnwardsp1ral: THIS IS HOW I GET MY WORK DONE SO QUICKLY AT WORK
d0wnwardsp1ral: CUZ I DON'T WANT TO DO IT
Bokonon79: BUT YOU DO IT
Bokonon79: THAT'S EFFICIENCY
Bokonon79: what you're saying is
Bokonon79: LAZINESS --> EFFICIENCY --> LAZINESS^-1
Bokonon79: which is still true
d0wnwardsp1ral: yes
Bokonon79: also, I can define the operator "-->" to mean anything I want
Bokonon79: so I can also write
Bokonon79: LAZINESS --> EFFICIENCY --> LAZINESS^-1 --> RUBBER TREE --> STEPHEN HAWKING --> 6 --> LAZINESS
d0wnwardsp1ral: ANAL SEX
Bokonon79: --> ANAL SEX
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: Bokonon79: --> ANAL SEX
d0wnwardsp1ral: that seems about rigtht
Bokonon79: YOU BASTARD

You Are The Government

2005-11-19T14:54:00.000-05:00

In reference to www.cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/11/18/congress.iraq.ap/index.html:

Bokonon79: this article is amusing as it is
Bokonon79: but if you add Street Fighter moves to the end of every sentence
Bokonon79: it becomes much more so
Bokonon79: "It's just heinous," Rep. Ellen Tauscher, D-California, said of the Republican move while hurling a hadouken at House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Illinois.
Bokonon79: Rep. Harold Ford, D-Tennessee, charged across the chamber's center aisle, igniting several representatives with his yoga flame and screaming that Republicans were making uncalled-for personal attacks.
Bokonon79: "You guys are pathetic! Pathetic!" yelled Rep. Marty Meehan, D-Massachusetts, executing a flawless shouryuuken that connected brutally with Rep. Marsha Blackburn, R-Tennessee.
Bokonon79: At one point in the emotional debate, Rep. Jean Schmidt, R-Ohio, told of a phone call she received from a Marine colonel.

Democrats booed and shouted her down -- causing the House to come to a standstill amidst a torrent of sonic booms and flipkicks.
d0wnwardsp1ral: SONIC BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
d0wnwardsp1ral: (¦) )))

OK Evolution

2005-11-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: Did mankind evolve from primates?
Yes
No
Unsure
How would your Ideal Match answer this question?
Yes
No
Unsure
You can choose more than 1 acceptable answer for your ideal match.
How important is their answer to you?
Irrelevant
A little important
Somewhat important
Very important
Mandatory
Bokonon79: EVOLUTION
Bokonon79: I can't believe that if you answer "mandatory" to that question
Bokonon79: you'd be eliminating half of the population of america
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: and for me, the answer IS, of course, MANDATORY
Bokonon79: because it's hard to get someone into bed if you're constantly making fun of them
Bokonon79: and telling them what a moron they are
d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah

What's your makeout music?

2005-11-17T13:54:00.000-05:00

Bonelle: [name removed for his protection] seriously plays barry white?
d0wnwardsp1ral: yes
Bonelle: that doesn't surprise me in the least
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: he is not smoove
Bonelle: I feel like some girls would be into that, though
Bonelle: just not girls with any kind of taste in music
d0wnwardsp1ral: uninteresting girls
Bonelle: yes
Bonelle: or deaf girls
d0wnwardsp1ral: dumb girls
d0wnwardsp1ral: maybe helen keller will make out with him
Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bonelle: blog that shit
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'd have to edit out [name removed for his protection], but i was just scrolling back to see if it was bloggable
d0wnwardsp1ral: just change his name

Life Goals

2005-11-09T21:21:00.000-05:00

Bokonon79: Relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina, a free agent who was with the Philadelphia Phillies last season, was arrested and held yesterday pending a formal charge of attempted murder.
Bokonon79: Last month, Urbina and a group of men allegedly attacked five workers with machetes and poured gasoline on them in an attempt to set them on fire. All five were injured, some of them with cuts and one with burns on the back and right arm, police said.
Bokonon79: machetes???
Bokonon79: gasoline???
Bokonon79: seriously WTF?!?!?!
d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
Bokonon79: like how about if on Friday I meet you at your office
Bokonon79: and then we run around the Common
Bokonon79: throwing shurikens at people
Bokonon79: maybe lace them with arsenic or something
d0wnwardsp1ral: YES!
Bokonon79: LET'S DO IT!
d0wnwardsp1ral: DONE AND DONE
Bokonon79: if we could make them explode
Bokonon79: that would be nice too
d0wnwardsp1ral: HADOOOOKEEEEN
Bokonon79: actually
Bokonon79: I think I'm going to add that to my list of life goals
Bokonon79: i.e. things that I have to do before I die
Bokonon79: 1. witness a full solar eclipse
Bokonon79: 2. ride in a hot air balloon
Bokonon79: 3. throw a ha-do-ken
Bokonon79: how hard can it be?
Bokonon79: like, just make a ball out of some slow-burning flammable material
Bokonon79: light it on fire
Bokonon79: put on some flameproof gloves
Bokonon79: and toss it at someone
d0wnwardsp1ral: NOT HARD
Bokonon79: and of course when I throw it
Bokonon79: I have to yell "HA-DOOOOO-KEN!"
Bokonon79: so that everyone else knows what I'm doing
d0wnwardsp1ral: OF COURSE

2005-11-09T13:49:00.000-05:00

Bonelle: has put me in a better mood
d0wnwardsp1ral: and sex!
d0wnwardsp1ral: 8=D)(')(
Bonelle: I have no idea what that is
d0wnwardsp1ral: 8=D
d0wnwardsp1ral: is...
Bonelle: for heaven's sake
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm cracking up at my desk
Bonelle: I figured as much
Bonelle: you, my friend, need to get some action
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm workin on it

Compulitical Science 101: Introduction to Object-oriented Cronyism [Part I]

2005-11-04T14:43:00.000-05:00

Greetings. Welcome to the first of several sporadically-delivered, vaguely disorganized lectures that will be given during this course. My name is Professor Bertelsmann Q. Pancreas. Our goal today will be to cover the fundamental underpinnings of object-oriented programming vis-a-vis the massive political corruption and general ineptitude espoused by the current presidential administration.

Before we begin, I should comment that the content of my lectures is generally applicable across different computing platforms, operating systems, party affiliations, and most non-extremist ideologies. Nevertheless, to provide conceptual illustration, I will present code samples written in C$ (which, appropriately enough, is a mythical fusion of C# with Perl, our favorite dollar-sign-loving language). Furthermore, I will assume that you are at least vaguely liberal, otherwise you would have zipped away to www.nra.gov after the first paragraph. (Yes, .gov.)

Part 1: Creating Objects, Properties, and Methods

Unsurprisingly, object-oriented programming revolves around the notion of the Object. An Object, loosely defined, is a Thing: it can represent any Stuff that you desire using the primative buliding blocks of the programming language. Consider, for example, a War object, that you could describe in terms of the date it started, how many people were killed on each side, what the justification was, etc. In C$, using a class to define an object, we could write:

class War { DateTime $StartDate; DateTime $EndDate; int $NumberOfCasualties; string $Justification; }

Once defined, objects can be declared and instantiated, allowing you to describe them via their properties:

War $MyWar = New War(); $MyWar.$StartDate = new DateTime(2003, 3, 19); $MyWar.$EndDate = new DateTime(2018, 6, 27); $MyWar.$NumberOfCasualties = 26641; $MyWar.$Justification = null;

Note that object values can be left undefined (null) in the event that they are unapplicable, inconsequential, unknown, or simply nonexistent.

In addition to having properties, objects can also have functions (or "methods") that perform a particular calculation or operation. For example, you could write a method to alter the value of a property in a particular, controlled way.

class War { string $Justification; ... void ChangeJustification(string $NewJustification) { if ($NewJustification == "Oil") $Justification = "Spread liberty and freedom" else $Justification = $NewJustification; } }

In this example, once you've created a War object, you could invoke this method as follows:

$MyWar.ChangeJustification("Capture an evil dictator");

Thus we have seen that Objects, Properties, and Methods make up the fundamental underpinnings of object-oriented programming, and that I can quickly generate a conclusive-sounding sentence by simply prepending an earlier statement that I made with the words "thus we have seen". In our next lecture, we shall examine the powerful notion of object inheritence and parent/child object relations.

*** BELCH ***

"Your Blog Makes No Sense"

2005-11-02T22:52:00.000-05:00

d0wnwardsp1ral:
[22:51] d0wnwardsp1ral: have you been reading our blog?
[22:51] QTPi: umm
[22:51] QTPi: i read it yesterday or the day before
[22:51] QTPi: i meant to tell you that it makes no sense
d0wnwardsp1ral: can you blog that?
Bokonon79: THE OPERATION COMPLETED SUCCESSFULLY

Nicknames

2005-11-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

On 11/2/05, Bonelle <xxxxx@xxxxx.com> wrote:

Also? Don't call me that.

> On 11/2/05, Pei Ho wrote:
> > sounds like a plan to me. bonelle, what's your deal?

BORKED.US LINKS!!!!!

2005-11-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

MILES PER GALLON!!!!!
http://www.borked.us/rants/scooters.shtml

SIGNIFICANT FIGURES!!!!!
http://www.borked.us/rants/willi.html

PORTLAND, OREGON!!!!!
http://pdxlug.borked.us/

What the fuck?

2005-11-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

Boffomedia presents

A(n Obscure, Nerdy) Trip Down Memory Lane

2005-11-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

Bokonon79: BARREN REALMS ELITE
Bokonon79: it was an amazingly complicated game
Bokonon79: it was written by a 16-year-old
Bokonon79: with some help from his older brother who was a freshman at Dartmouth
Bokonon79: I wonder what happened to him
Bokonon79: I used to chat with them on the message board a lot... of course I was also annoying back then
d0wnwardsp1ral: cuz you were 10
Bokonon79: actually I was 12
d0wnwardsp1ral: SAME THING
Bokonon79: http://www.gamefaqs.com/computer/bbsdoor/game/574618.html
Bokonon79: AWESOMe
Bokonon79: I wonder if it references my "Cash on Wheels" (COW) technique
Bokonon79: HOLY SHIT
Bokonon79: IT DOES
Bokonon79: WTF
Bokonon79: THAT'S MY TERM
Bokonon79: http://db.gamefaqs.com/computer/bbsdoor/file/
barren_realms_elite_strategy.txt
Bokonon79: THAT'S MY ORIGINAL DESCRIPTION
Bokonon79: THEY STOLE IT FROM ME
Bokonon79: GOD DAMMIT
Bokonon79: taken right off of the message board
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: LOSER
Bokonon79: SERIOusLY WTF!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: you can vouch for me
d0wnwardsp1ral: i can?
Bokonon79: my writing style hasn't changed much since then
d0wnwardsp1ral: in that it's flamingly gay?
Bokonon79: YOU BASTARD

Officemate

2005-10-25T17:06:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: i hate my officemate
d0wnwardsp1ral: he has the gayest voice ever
Bokonon79: are you sure?
d0wnwardsp1ral: wait a second
d0wnwardsp1ral: i don't share my office with anyone
d0wnwardsp1ral: AH SHIT

WAIT FOR IT

2005-10-22T00:57:00.000-04:00

WAIT FOR IT

...

...

...

WAIT FOR IT

...

...

...

WAIT FOR IT

...

...

...

CLICK HERE

The fun never stops

2005-10-21T14:27:00.000-04:00

[14:07] d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm going out with this girl i tutor with
[14:07] d0wnwardsp1ral: actually
[14:07] d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm going out with the girl i tutor
[14:07] d0wnwardsp1ral: YUMMY!
[14:07] d0wnwardsp1ral: i think she's scared of me, actually
[14:09] Bonelle: what?
[14:09] Bonelle: I don't... what?
[14:09] d0wnwardsp1ral: i was just kidding
[14:09] d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
[14:09] Bonelle: thank goodness

2005-10-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

[11:32] Bonelle: dude
[11:32] Bonelle: one of my editors
[11:33] d0wnwardsp1ral: dude
[11:33] Bonelle: who is a 62 year old woman
[11:33] Bonelle: was just talking to me about getting a nose piercing
[11:33] Bonelle: that was awesome
[11:33] d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
[11:33] Bonelle: I told her she should totally do it
[11:33] d0wnwardsp1ral: did you tell her to her nipples pierced, too?
[11:33] Bonelle: sigh
[11:34] Bonelle: everytime I sigh, does the conversation make your blog
[11:34] Bonelle: ?
[11:34] d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
[11:34] d0wnwardsp1ral: now it will
[11:34] Bonelle: excellent

Nothing Lost in Translation

2005-10-19T23:37:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: YOU BORKED IT
Bokonon79: NO I DIDN'T
Bokonon79: IT BORKED ITSELF
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: OR IN SPANISH, YOU'D SAY "IT BORKED ITSELF TO ME"
Bokonon79: A MI SE ME BORKO
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKAR
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKO
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKAS
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKA
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKAN
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKAMOS
Bokonon79: BUT WE'RE USING THE REFLEXIVE FORM, BORKARSE
Bokonon79: e.g.
Bokonon79: Me borke
Bokonon79: I BORKED MYSELF
d0wnwardsp1ral: we are such huge nerds
Bokonon79: NOS BORKAMOS
d0wnwardsp1ral: this is ridiculous
Bokonon79: I mean, i do appreciate the fact that in Spanish, nothing is ever anyone's fault... instead, things "break themselves" in your presence
Bokonon79: however, applying that literally in English to nonexistent verbs is where the real pleasure is
d0wnwardsp1ral: me gusta

Back and forth!

2005-10-19T15:12:00.000-04:00

[15:11] Bonelle: it could be worse
[15:11] Bonelle: you could be on an island
[15:11] Bonelle: after a plane crash
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: actually
[15:11] Bonelle: with a polar bear
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: i was thinking it'd be kinda cool
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: to be stranded with 50 people
[15:11] Bonelle: it wouldn't
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: on an island
[15:11] Bonelle: it would suck
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: but also kind of cool
[15:11] Bonelle: but would also suck
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
[15:11] d0wnwardsp1ral: but also cool
[15:12] Bonelle: sigh

Let's Hear It For Children

2005-10-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

Second Grader Brings Pot on School Trip
(Connecticut Post)

Boy, 12, Tries to Set Guinness Kick Record
(Ann Arbor News)

Greenie the Space Mutant Has Glow-tip Fingers For Arms
(TheWildConnection.org)

Fun with Bonelle

2005-10-18T15:06:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: did you know that men can lactate?
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh it's true
Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: there's a wikipedia article about it
Bonelle: of course there is
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm just sayin is all...
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_lactation
d0wnwardsp1ral: let me give you an excerpt
Bonelle: don't
d0wnwardsp1ral: It is also possible for males (and females) to induce lactation through constant massage and simulated 'sucking' of the nipple over a long period of time (months).
d0wnwardsp1ral: now
d0wnwardsp1ral: too late
d0wnwardsp1ral: now
Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: how has anyone EVER discovered this
d0wnwardsp1ral: like
d0wnwardsp1ral: and what does constant mean?
d0wnwardsp1ral: 1 hr/day
d0wnwardsp1ral: 8 hrs/day
Bonelle: you think about this too much
d0wnwardsp1ral: 24 hrs/day
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: well, i mean, i have my nipples sucked on 2 hrs/day
d0wnwardsp1ral: and i'm worried
d0wnwardsp1ral: that i'm gonna start lactating
d0wnwardsp1ral: where'd you go?
d0wnwardsp1ral: (poke)
Bonelle: I'm ignoring you

So it Begins: Pi is a Prime Number

2005-10-17T23:36:00.000-04:00

d0wnwardsp1ral: pi is a prime number
d0wnwardsp1ral: didn't you know thaT?
d0wnwardsp1ral: you can only divide it by 1 or itself to get an integer
Bokonon79: DAMMIT
Bokonon79: you're right!
d0wnwardsp1ral: pi is awesome that way
Bokonon79: except for division by 1
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: shit
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: whoops
Bokonon79: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm fuckin retarded
Bokonon79: unless
Bokonon79: you define pi to be an irrational integer
d0wnwardsp1ral: sure
Bokonon79: why not?
Bokonon79: in math you can define anything
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i can't stop laughing now
d0wnwardsp1ral: that was about the dumbest thing i've ever done
Bokonon79: awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh well
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm over it
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'll just go shoot myself now