JESUS finds himself in an intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, absent-mindedly holding a Happy Meal in his left hand. Hundreds of SANTA's elves are scurrying this way and that, carrying half-finished toys, unpainted candy-canes, and other soon-to-be Christmas paraphenalia. One of them bumps into SANTA as he wanders into the fray with a oversized blowtorch.
SANTA: Hello, Jesus. How are you?
JESUS: Good, good. How are you, Santa?
SANTA: Same-old-same-old... busiest time of the year, you know.
JESUS: Yeah, I hear ya. Big birthday coming up and all... doesn't seem like it's been 5311 years but hey.
SANTA: Yeah. Hey, this small talk is boring the hell out of me.
With a single, agile move, SANTA blasts JESUS with his blowtorch, igniting most of his hair into a healthy blaze.
JESUS: [laughing] Oh man, I'm sorry. Let's get this party started.
SANTA: Bueno... ¿Has mirado como beben los peces en el rio?
An elf presents SANTA with a two-headed Barbie doll and looks for his instruction. SANTA scoops up the elf and swallows him whole.
JESUS: No he mirado nada. El rio está en fuego, entonces está lleno de sangre.
SANTA: ¡¿De veras?! [burps]
JESUS: Sí, es la verdad, pero mis hermanas están escondidas al dentro de la tierra.
SANTA: Pasa así de vez en cuando. Una vez, el Gran Borrador de Sicilia se escondía por dos meses, pero no le gustó los caminos invisibles.
JESUS: Perfecto. ¡Vamos a estar borrachos!
SANTA: Por supuesto.
JESUS and SANTA exit the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic. As they leave, the smoke from JESUS' burning beard begins to take the form of the QUEEN OF SPADES.
QUEEN OF SPADES: All of you have gained thirteen points! If any of you now have over one hundred points, the player with the fewest number of points shall be declared the winner. If more than one person is tied for the fewest number of points, there shall a tiebreaker, as follows.
The QUEEN OF SPADES motions toward UMBERTO ECO, who has begun to descend from the ceiling atop a Pillsbury Crescent Roll.
UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.
QUEEN OF SPADES: Whosoever is tied for the lowest point total shall engage in a debate about the merits of classic Trivial Pursuit versus Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s Edition. Whosoever wins the debate (as determined by the biblical representation of King Solomon) shall be declared the winner. Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now. Whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down. I'm a searchlight soul they say, but I can't see it in the night; I'm only faking when I get it right.
The scene falls to black for a moment. When the light returns, the scene is no longer the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic; it has become an endless sea of discarded Butterfinger wrappers. Suddenly, BUD SELIG and DAVID STERN fly into view at supersonic speeds, eventually colliding with each other and producing an earth-sundering explosion. Unfazed and unhurt, SELIG and STERN immediately jump to their feet and assume sparring stances.
SELIG: WAAAAAAAAHH-
STERN: HRRRRRUUUUUUHHHHH-
The two engage in a brutal deathmatch. SELIG opens the bout by slicing off STERN's left arm with his 3-foot-long thumbnail. STERN responds by removing his own stomach and, using his esophagus as a whip, flailing SELIG mercilessly. The fight continues in this manner for several minutes, during which various limbs and organs perish and several hundred gallons of blood are spilled onto the set. At some point, a hacksaw measuring 57 inches in diameter mounted at the end of a pendulum begins swinging back and forth, providing an additional obstacle and increasing the general level of carnage. In the finale, STERN's head manages to leap onto SELIG's pancreas and stab it repeatedly with what used to be SELIG's left femur. This ends the fight, but STERN's victory quickly becomes a moot point after a 48,019-pound barracuda casually ingests his head as it floats across the set. There is silence for 8 seconds before PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH presses CTRL+ALT+DELETE on the Iraq War.
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Freedom.exe: This program is not responding. To return to Windows and check the status of the program, click Cancel. If you choose to end the program immediately, you will lose any unsaved data. To end the program now, click End Now.
The President snickers and clicks the mouse.
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You chose to end the nonresponsive program Freedom.exe.
KING CHENEY XIII: My kingdom 'tis of thee, sweet land of misery, of thee I sing!
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Please tell Microsoft about this program. Send Error Report. Don't send. Hmmmm.
KING CHENEY XIII: My array of 4,591 hearts shall make me immortal!!!
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: I really can't decide what to do, and I must uphold my public image as the Decider, who Decides.
KING CHENEY XIII: More hearts! More brains! More gall bladders!
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: In trying times like this, I always turn to the Good Book.
JESUS: Conozco un libro bueno.
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Oh really? ¿Cuál libro es?
JESUS: Es un libro de Umberto Eco, "La Nombre de la Rosa."
UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.
PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You bastard! You just ruined the Good Book!
KING CHENEY XIII: And more glucose-rich blood and oxygen so that my mitochondria may produce ever more adenosine triphosphate!
SANTA: Okay, all together now!
ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?
KING CHENEY XIII: And I shall create a device to transform the neurological impulses that trigger happiness into oil!
ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me. Que será, será -- whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see...
KING CHENEY XIII: With all of the blood and organs and oil, I shall become the north star Polaris!
ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] ...que será, será.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
A Thorough Analysis of Contemporary Parking Meter Technology
Bokonon79: http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/ 2006/10/solarpowered_pa.html
Bokonon79: what the fuck?
d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
Bokonon79: solar powered in boston?
Bokonon79: doesn't a credit card system consume a lot of power?
d0wnwardsp1ral: i assume not
Bokonon79: I mean, it has to make a network connection of some sort
Bokonon79: you could probably bork one by swiping a card repeatedly and then canceling the transaction
d0wnwardsp1ral: you don't need power for that
Bokonon79: OH RIGHT
Bokonon79: ETHERNET = POWERED BY THE ETHER
d0wnwardsp1ral: can't you use that really low-power broadband thing?
d0wnwardsp1ral: what's it called
Bokonon79: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's got a funny name
Bokonon79: the thing JJD invented?
d0wnwardsp1ral: no
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's real
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's like
d0wnwardsp1ral: hrmmmm
d0wnwardsp1ral: what is it called
Bokonon79: WIMAX
Bokonon79: JEA
Bokonon79: JPEN
Bokonon79: PROTECT AMERICA
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh right
Bokonon79: AEGON
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's called
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE SCORING ENGINE
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: IT DOES EVERYTHING
d0wnwardsp1ral: zigbee
d0wnwardsp1ral: i knew it was some stupid weird name
Bokonon79: oh that thing
d0wnwardsp1ral: i guess it's not broadband
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's wireless
Bokonon79: yeah
Bokonon79: zigbee = supersmall wireless transmitter
Bokonon79: which I imagine could actually work
Bokonon79: although actually if you had a powered ethernet line
Bokonon79: that could work too
d0wnwardsp1ral: or if you had a midget
d0wnwardsp1ral: running back and forth
Bokonon79: YES
d0wnwardsp1ral: from the thing
Bokonon79: fricken midgets
d0wnwardsp1ral: to the credit card company
Bokonon79: BECAUSE MIDGETS CAN MOVE INFINITELY FAST
Bokonon79: A = F/M
Bokonon79: M-->0!!!!
Bokonon79: (SAY SOMETHING FUNNY, I WANT TO BLOG THIS)
d0wnwardsp1ral: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bokonon79: BRILLIANT
Bokonon79: what the fuck?
d0wnwardsp1ral: yeah
Bokonon79: solar powered in boston?
Bokonon79: doesn't a credit card system consume a lot of power?
d0wnwardsp1ral: i assume not
Bokonon79: I mean, it has to make a network connection of some sort
Bokonon79: you could probably bork one by swiping a card repeatedly and then canceling the transaction
d0wnwardsp1ral: you don't need power for that
Bokonon79: OH RIGHT
Bokonon79: ETHERNET = POWERED BY THE ETHER
d0wnwardsp1ral: can't you use that really low-power broadband thing?
d0wnwardsp1ral: what's it called
Bokonon79: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's got a funny name
Bokonon79: the thing JJD invented?
d0wnwardsp1ral: no
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's real
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's like
d0wnwardsp1ral: hrmmmm
d0wnwardsp1ral: what is it called
Bokonon79: WIMAX
Bokonon79: JEA
Bokonon79: JPEN
Bokonon79: PROTECT AMERICA
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh right
Bokonon79: AEGON
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's called
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE SCORING ENGINE
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: IT DOES EVERYTHING
d0wnwardsp1ral: zigbee
d0wnwardsp1ral: i knew it was some stupid weird name
Bokonon79: oh that thing
d0wnwardsp1ral: i guess it's not broadband
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's wireless
Bokonon79: yeah
Bokonon79: zigbee = supersmall wireless transmitter
Bokonon79: which I imagine could actually work
Bokonon79: although actually if you had a powered ethernet line
Bokonon79: that could work too
d0wnwardsp1ral: or if you had a midget
d0wnwardsp1ral: running back and forth
Bokonon79: YES
d0wnwardsp1ral: from the thing
Bokonon79: fricken midgets
d0wnwardsp1ral: to the credit card company
Bokonon79: BECAUSE MIDGETS CAN MOVE INFINITELY FAST
Bokonon79: A = F/M
Bokonon79: M-->0!!!!
Bokonon79: (SAY SOMETHING FUNNY, I WANT TO BLOG THIS)
d0wnwardsp1ral: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Bokonon79: BRILLIANT
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A Golden Oldie
Party people
Yeah Tag Team music comin' straight atacha
That's me DC the Brain Supreme
And my man Steve Roll'n
We're kicking the flow we're kickin'
And it goes a little somethin' like this
Tag Team back again check it top
Wreck it - let's begin
Party people let me hear some noise
DC's in the house jump jump and rejoice
There's a party over here
a party over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake the deriere
These three words mean you're gettin' busy
Whoomp, there it is
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
Upside down and inside out
I'm about to show all you folks
What's it's all about
Now it's time to get on the mic
And make this party hype
I'm talking it back to the old school
'Cause I'm an old fool who's so cool
If you want to get down
I'm gonna show you the way: whoomp, there it is
Let me hear you say...
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
Point blank gin and juice I drank
Gettin' bent and bent and as I puff on a dankt
Rock the mic, uh, oh I see rave skin
Rip skit find a honeydip to dip it in
Slam dunk it stick it flip it and ride
That is double O D D Y oh my
Ooh that it come on come on
Whoomp there it is I'm done
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
Hey, some say I'm crazy
'Cause I'm pushin' up daises
The underground sound that you have found
Amazing outstanding demanding
Commanding you people dancin'
That's a breath taker
I produce AKA the undertaker
You want to come down to the underground
Old school - here's a shovel can dig it fool
Can you dig it?
We can dig it
Can y'll dig it?
We can dig it!
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
W H double-O M P as I flow
To the fly from the school of old
Hardcore kick the folk lore wreck
Three to the two and one mic-check
Mad skill flow ill on the mesh of steel
That's the grill of the microphone I just killed
Party people it's your party Tag Team is through
Whoomp there it is I thought you knew
Yeah Tag Team music comin' straight atacha
That's me DC the Brain Supreme
And my man Steve Roll'n
We're kicking the flow we're kickin'
And it goes a little somethin' like this
Tag Team back again check it top
Wreck it - let's begin
Party people let me hear some noise
DC's in the house jump jump and rejoice
There's a party over here
a party over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake the deriere
These three words mean you're gettin' busy
Whoomp, there it is
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
Upside down and inside out
I'm about to show all you folks
What's it's all about
Now it's time to get on the mic
And make this party hype
I'm talking it back to the old school
'Cause I'm an old fool who's so cool
If you want to get down
I'm gonna show you the way: whoomp, there it is
Let me hear you say...
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
WHOOMP!
chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chaka
Point blank gin and juice I drank
Gettin' bent and bent and as I puff on a dankt
Rock the mic, uh, oh I see rave skin
Rip skit find a honeydip to dip it in
Slam dunk it stick it flip it and ride
That is double O D D Y oh my
Ooh that it come on come on
Whoomp there it is I'm done
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
Hey, some say I'm crazy
'Cause I'm pushin' up daises
The underground sound that you have found
Amazing outstanding demanding
Commanding you people dancin'
That's a breath taker
I produce AKA the undertaker
You want to come down to the underground
Old school - here's a shovel can dig it fool
Can you dig it?
We can dig it
Can y'll dig it?
We can dig it!
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
WHOOMP! THERE IT IS
W H double-O M P as I flow
To the fly from the school of old
Hardcore kick the folk lore wreck
Three to the two and one mic-check
Mad skill flow ill on the mesh of steel
That's the grill of the microphone I just killed
Party people it's your party Tag Team is through
Whoomp there it is I thought you knew
Monday, May 08, 2006
I Wanna Know Where Da Gold At
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&search=leprechaun
d0wnwardsp1ral: i watched that like at 4 o'clock last night
d0wnwardsp1ral: and found it to be pretty much the funniest thing ever
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: HAHAHAHAHA
d0wnwardsp1ral: IT'S A CRACKHEAD
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahahahahha
Bokonon79: AMATEUR SKETCH
d0wnwardsp1ral: THEY'RE JUST HAPPY TO BE ON TV
d0wnwardsp1ral: that's totally what i thought
d0wnwardsp1ral: i can't tell
Bokonon79: hahahahahhaahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: ahahahahhahaahhaa
d0wnwardsp1ral: COULD BE A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: THAT GOT INTO THE WRONG STUFF
Bokonon79: NOT A LEPRECHAUN FLUTE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAHAHAHA
Bokonon79: GIVE ME THE GODE!
d0wnwardsp1ral: MAN, THIS IS EVEN FUNNIER THE SECOND TIME THROUGH
Bokonon79: I WANT THE GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: this is ridiulous
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE CRACKHEAD LINE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAD ME LAUGHING FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT
Bokonon79: nice
Bokonon79: BORKED
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIKE
d0wnwardsp1ral: what kind of news channel
d0wnwardsp1ral: airs that?
Bokonon79: LOCAL NEWS
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://wheredagold.ytmnd.com/
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: that's so awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: "if you shine a light in its direction, it disappears"
Bokonon79: why would a leprechaun have a flute that was like half its size
Bokonon79: ?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: why are you trying to be rational?
Bokonon79: BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY
Bokonon79: I think that's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time
d0wnwardsp1ral: I THINK IT'S A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: I'M GON' UPROOT THAT TREE
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHERE THA GOL' AT?
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD
d0wnwardsp1ral: GIMME THE GOLD
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GOLD!
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD
d0wnwardsp1ral: i watched that like at 4 o'clock last night
d0wnwardsp1ral: and found it to be pretty much the funniest thing ever
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: HAHAHAHAHA
d0wnwardsp1ral: IT'S A CRACKHEAD
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahahahahha
Bokonon79: AMATEUR SKETCH
d0wnwardsp1ral: THEY'RE JUST HAPPY TO BE ON TV
d0wnwardsp1ral: that's totally what i thought
d0wnwardsp1ral: i can't tell
Bokonon79: hahahahahhaahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: ahahahahhahaahhaa
d0wnwardsp1ral: COULD BE A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: THAT GOT INTO THE WRONG STUFF
Bokonon79: NOT A LEPRECHAUN FLUTE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAHAHAHA
Bokonon79: GIVE ME THE GODE!
d0wnwardsp1ral: MAN, THIS IS EVEN FUNNIER THE SECOND TIME THROUGH
Bokonon79: I WANT THE GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: this is ridiulous
d0wnwardsp1ral: THE CRACKHEAD LINE
d0wnwardsp1ral: HAD ME LAUGHING FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES STRAIGHT LAST NIGHT
Bokonon79: nice
Bokonon79: BORKED
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIKE
d0wnwardsp1ral: what kind of news channel
d0wnwardsp1ral: airs that?
Bokonon79: LOCAL NEWS
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://wheredagold.ytmnd.com/
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GODE!
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
Bokonon79: that's so awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: "if you shine a light in its direction, it disappears"
Bokonon79: why would a leprechaun have a flute that was like half its size
Bokonon79: ?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: why are you trying to be rational?
Bokonon79: BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY
Bokonon79: I think that's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time
d0wnwardsp1ral: I THINK IT'S A CRACKHEAD
d0wnwardsp1ral: I'M GON' UPROOT THAT TREE
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHERE THA GOL' AT?
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD
d0wnwardsp1ral: GIMME THE GOLD
Bokonon79: GIMME DA GOLD!
d0wnwardsp1ral: I WANT THE GOLD
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Back to Basics
d0wnwardsp1ral: i now have nothing to do
d0wnwardsp1ral: will you entertain me?
Bonelle: go out
d0wnwardsp1ral: i was just out
d0wnwardsp1ral: with co-workers
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm a little buzzzzzzzzzed
Bonelle: go outside and be free and happy
Bonelle: go hit on women in bars
d0wnwardsp1ral: eh
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'll just masturbate
*** Bonelle signed off at Tue May 02 20:01:48 2006.
d0wnwardsp1ral: will you entertain me?
Bonelle: go out
d0wnwardsp1ral: i was just out
d0wnwardsp1ral: with co-workers
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm a little buzzzzzzzzzed
Bonelle: go outside and be free and happy
Bonelle: go hit on women in bars
d0wnwardsp1ral: eh
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'll just masturbate
*** Bonelle signed off at Tue May 02 20:01:48 2006.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I Wanna Be Like Jesus!
d0wnwardsp1ral: [22:42] QTPi: it's like
[22:43] QTPi: Jesus came and was like
[22:43] QTPi: i'm going to love all these people
[22:43] QTPi: even if they suck, even if the world thinks they have no redeeming qualities, even if they're super boring
[22:44] QTPi: and he did
[22:44] QTPi: and it was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: so i'm like, wow this Jesus guy was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: i wonder what'll happen if i try to do what he did
Bokonon79: THE WATER WILL STILL BE WATER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL STILL BE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
[22:43] QTPi: Jesus came and was like
[22:43] QTPi: i'm going to love all these people
[22:43] QTPi: even if they suck, even if the world thinks they have no redeeming qualities, even if they're super boring
[22:44] QTPi: and he did
[22:44] QTPi: and it was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: so i'm like, wow this Jesus guy was pretty cool
[22:44] QTPi: i wonder what'll happen if i try to do what he did
Bokonon79: THE WATER WILL STILL BE WATER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER
Bokonon79: YOU'LL STILL BE DEAD ON THE THIRD DAY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Monday, April 03, 2006
NESN Double Flat
d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf is NESNHD double flat?
d0wnwardsp1ral: how can something be double flat?
d0wnwardsp1ral: that makes no sense?
Bokonon79: huh?
d0wnwardsp1ral: top right hand corner
Bokonon79: it says Double Play
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: I CAN'T SEE SHIT DOC
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i am wearing my new classing
d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: glasses
Bokonon79: ahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: BLOGGED
d0wnwardsp1ral: how can something be double flat?
d0wnwardsp1ral: that makes no sense?
Bokonon79: huh?
d0wnwardsp1ral: top right hand corner
Bokonon79: it says Double Play
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: I CAN'T SEE SHIT DOC
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: i am wearing my new classing
d0wnwardsp1ral: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: glasses
Bokonon79: ahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: BLOGGED
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Greatest Thing Ever
d0wnwardsp1ral: http://videosift.com/story.php?id=846
Bokonon79: what the hell is this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: Best fight scene of all time
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: what the the fucking fuck is this from?
d0wnwardsp1ral: who cares
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's awesome
Bokonon79: is that Gene Wilder?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahah
Bokonon79: I love how the sound effects are completely unsynchronized
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: the choreography doesn't make sense
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: THE KNIFE MOVES!
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: GRABBED BY THE COLLARBONE!
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf???
Bokonon79: hahahhaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahah
Bokonon79: ahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: what the fuck?!/!?!
d0wnwardsp1ral: the end is awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: how can it get better than this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh my god
d0wnwardsp1ral: this is the greatest thing ever
Bokonon79: what the hell is this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: Best fight scene of all time
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: what the the fucking fuck is this from?
d0wnwardsp1ral: who cares
d0wnwardsp1ral: it's awesome
Bokonon79: is that Gene Wilder?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahah
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahah
Bokonon79: I love how the sound effects are completely unsynchronized
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: the choreography doesn't make sense
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: THE KNIFE MOVES!
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: GRABBED BY THE COLLARBONE!
Bokonon79: hahahaha
Bokonon79: wtf???
Bokonon79: hahahhaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahah
Bokonon79: ahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: ahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahaha
Bokonon79: what the fuck?!/!?!
d0wnwardsp1ral: the end is awesome
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahhahahaha
Bokonon79: how can it get better than this?
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahahah
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahahahahaha
Bokonon79: hahahaahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: oh my god
d0wnwardsp1ral: this is the greatest thing ever
Friday, March 03, 2006
The DOS Days of Winter
Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: life is a dos program
PurpleDaisy1337: cd ]
Bokonon79: that doesn't do anything
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: TYPO!
d0wnwardsp1ral: dir!!!!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: cd brian's penis
Bokonon79: STACK OVERFLOW!
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: Abort, Retry, Fail?
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: invoke DosKey!
Bokonon79: DOSKEY /INSERT!
Bokonon79: the only way to go
Bokonon79: I used to get so annoyed when people didn't have that in their autoexec.bat
PurpleDaisy1337: I hated that
PurpleDaisy1337: now it is standard
Bokonon79: THAT'S HARD CORE
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: now i dunno what you gus are talking about
d0wnwardsp1ral: PENIS /INSERT
Bokonon79: (all of this is going to be blogged btw)
d0wnwardsp1ral: excellent
PurpleDaisy1337: cd ]
Bokonon79: that doesn't do anything
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: TYPO!
d0wnwardsp1ral: dir!!!!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: cd brian's penis
Bokonon79: STACK OVERFLOW!
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: Abort, Retry, Fail?
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: invoke DosKey!
Bokonon79: DOSKEY /INSERT!
Bokonon79: the only way to go
Bokonon79: I used to get so annoyed when people didn't have that in their autoexec.bat
PurpleDaisy1337: I hated that
PurpleDaisy1337: now it is standard
Bokonon79: THAT'S HARD CORE
d0wnwardsp1ral: haha
d0wnwardsp1ral: now i dunno what you gus are talking about
d0wnwardsp1ral: PENIS /INSERT
Bokonon79: (all of this is going to be blogged btw)
d0wnwardsp1ral: excellent
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Text Adventures
PurpleDaisy1337: we are at a crossroads
Bokonon79: oh sure
PurpleDaisy1337: and those crossroads are necessitated by one thing
Bokonon79: paths lead north, east, and south
Bokonon79: there is a flask
Bokonon79: what will you do?
PurpleDaisy1337: er. can I kill the ogre?
Bokonon79: there is no ogre
PurpleDaisy1337: damn!
PurpleDaisy1337: I will drink!
Bokonon79: thou drinkest from ye flask
Bokonon79: thou hast died
PurpleDaisy1337: damn it
PurpleDaisy1337: do over!
Bokonon79: but thou has been revived as in immortal
PurpleDaisy1337: SCORE!
Bokonon79: you win!
PurpleDaisy1337: hurrah! now, to the north!
Bokonon79: you go north, but trip over ye flask
Bokonon79: oh sure
PurpleDaisy1337: and those crossroads are necessitated by one thing
Bokonon79: paths lead north, east, and south
Bokonon79: there is a flask
Bokonon79: what will you do?
PurpleDaisy1337: er. can I kill the ogre?
Bokonon79: there is no ogre
PurpleDaisy1337: damn!
PurpleDaisy1337: I will drink!
Bokonon79: thou drinkest from ye flask
Bokonon79: thou hast died
PurpleDaisy1337: damn it
PurpleDaisy1337: do over!
Bokonon79: but thou has been revived as in immortal
PurpleDaisy1337: SCORE!
Bokonon79: you win!
PurpleDaisy1337: hurrah! now, to the north!
Bokonon79: you go north, but trip over ye flask
Monday, February 13, 2006
Relieving boredom, part XXVIII
d0wnwardsp1ral: i'm so bored
d0wnwardsp1ral: that i'm re-watching 24
Bokonon79: BORKED
Bokonon79: YOU WANT JACK BAUER TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: watchinng the ridiculousness of no cover survival again
d0wnwardsp1ral: HERE COMES THE AIR FORCE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OR THE MARINES
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHATEVER
d0wnwardsp1ral: i wonder if these actors ever feel ridiculous saying shit like
d0wnwardsp1ral: "Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel, we have hostile aircraft in vector bravo tango."
d0wnwardsp1ral: does that actually mean anything?
Bokonon79:
-->
BT
d0wnwardsp1ral: NICE
d0wnwardsp1ral: bonelle will like that one
Bokonon79: get the sigh
Bokonon79: and it shall be blogged
d0wnwardsp1ral: she's not on line, unfortunately
Bokonon79: DAMMIT
Bokonon79: how about this
Bokonon79: Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: works for me
Bokonon79: BLOGGED!
d0wnwardsp1ral: that i'm re-watching 24
Bokonon79: BORKED
Bokonon79: YOU WANT JACK BAUER TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: watchinng the ridiculousness of no cover survival again
d0wnwardsp1ral: HERE COMES THE AIR FORCE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OR THE MARINES
d0wnwardsp1ral: WHATEVER
d0wnwardsp1ral: i wonder if these actors ever feel ridiculous saying shit like
d0wnwardsp1ral: "Guardian Angel, Guardian Angel, we have hostile aircraft in vector bravo tango."
d0wnwardsp1ral: does that actually mean anything?
Bokonon79:
-->
BT
d0wnwardsp1ral: NICE
d0wnwardsp1ral: bonelle will like that one
Bokonon79: get the sigh
Bokonon79: and it shall be blogged
d0wnwardsp1ral: she's not on line, unfortunately
Bokonon79: DAMMIT
Bokonon79: how about this
Bokonon79: Bonelle: sigh
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: works for me
Bokonon79: BLOGGED!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Personal Ads
Bokonon79: PurpleDaisy1337: you're basically martha stewart with 6 pack abs
Bokonon79: 6? who said 6? how about 12?
Bokonon79: or 18?
PurpleDaisy1337: pardon my saying, but 18 sounds a bit gross
Bokonon79: or how about 2^16 = 65536?
PurpleDaisy1337: dang
PurpleDaisy1337: tha'ts sort of scary
PurpleDaisy1337: a geek with abs
PurpleDaisy1337: see... THIS should be your match profile
Bokonon79: haha
Bokonon79: right
Bokonon79: I could really push the line
PurpleDaisy1337: you could!
Bokonon79: but I won't
Bokonon79: at least not in this IM window
Bokonon79:: YOUR BREASTS MUST HAVE A MINIMUM RADIUS OF 8 CM AND A VOLUME OF (4/3)
(8 cm)^3 = 2144.659 cm^3
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: dude
d0wnwardsp1ral: if i were a girl
d0wnwardsp1ral: i would totally respond to that
d0wnwardsp1ral: no matter what breasts looked like
Bokonon79:: I should post all of this to craigslist
Bokonon79:: and see what happens
d0wnwardsp1ral: you should
Bokonon79:: we can link to it from the blog
Bokonon79:: it would take a lot of burden off of Bonelle
d0wnwardsp1ral: HURRY UP
Bokonon79: 6? who said 6? how about 12?
Bokonon79: or 18?
PurpleDaisy1337: pardon my saying, but 18 sounds a bit gross
Bokonon79: or how about 2^16 = 65536?
PurpleDaisy1337: dang
PurpleDaisy1337: tha'ts sort of scary
PurpleDaisy1337: a geek with abs
PurpleDaisy1337: see... THIS should be your match profile
Bokonon79: haha
Bokonon79: right
Bokonon79: I could really push the line
PurpleDaisy1337: you could!
Bokonon79: but I won't
Bokonon79: at least not in this IM window
Bokonon79:: YOUR BREASTS MUST HAVE A MINIMUM RADIUS OF 8 CM AND A VOLUME OF (4/3)
(8 cm)^3 = 2144.659 cm^3d0wnwardsp1ral: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: dude
d0wnwardsp1ral: if i were a girl
d0wnwardsp1ral: i would totally respond to that
d0wnwardsp1ral: no matter what breasts looked like
Bokonon79:: I should post all of this to craigslist
Bokonon79:: and see what happens
d0wnwardsp1ral: you should
Bokonon79:: we can link to it from the blog
Bokonon79:: it would take a lot of burden off of Bonelle
d0wnwardsp1ral: HURRY UP
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Etymologies
Taken from the NPR Show "Fresh Air with Terry Gross" featuring an interview with Senator Joe Biden (D-Smellaware). Start listening at 20:36.
http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?prgCode=FA&showDate=07-Feb-2006&segNum=&NPRMediaPref=WM&getAd=1
Not that we need to point out the obvious, but the note of confusion and uncertainty that enters Terry's voice at 20:50 is scientific proof that our blog was a primary source for her interview preparation, and therefore we are a reputable authority on the history of Supreme Court nominations, American democracy, and America and/or history in general... in addition to being the preeminent authority on the verb "to bork" its equivalents in other languages, of course.
What can we say, we're just awesome.
(GRAND SLAM)
KAPOW
CRUSHED!
http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?prgCode=FA&showDate=07-Feb-2006&segNum=&NPRMediaPref=WM&getAd=1
Not that we need to point out the obvious, but the note of confusion and uncertainty that enters Terry's voice at 20:50 is scientific proof that our blog was a primary source for her interview preparation, and therefore we are a reputable authority on the history of Supreme Court nominations, American democracy, and America and/or history in general... in addition to being the preeminent authority on the verb "to bork" its equivalents in other languages, of course.
What can we say, we're just awesome.
(GRAND SLAM)
KAPOW
CRUSHED!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Karaoke in the Post-9/11 World
d0wnwardsp1ral: SUCKIN ON CHILI DOGS!
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THREAT OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
Bokonon79: THREAT!!!!!
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THRILL OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: FREUDIAN BORK!!!!!
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THREAT OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: OH YEAH
d0wnwardsp1ral: LIFE GOES ON
Bokonon79: THREAT!!!!!
Bokonon79: hahahahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: LONG AFTER THE THRILL OF LIVIN IS GONE
d0wnwardsp1ral: hahaha
d0wnwardsp1ral: BORKED
Bokonon79: AWESOME
Bokonon79: FREUDIAN BORK!!!!!
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Corporate Brilliance, Part XXVIII: Large Financial Institutions
So I received two interesting letters in the mail the other day: one from Bank of America, and one from H&R Block.
For those unfamiliar with my finances (i.e., everyone but me), I should establish that I have a standard checking and savings account at Bank of America (the latter of which has a balance of $39.26, because, like any remotely savvy individual, I stash the bulk of my liquid savings in an ING savings account). The only reason I have this savings account with Bank of America is because it's a leftover artifact from my FleetOne combined checking/savings account from years ago, and I've been too lazy to close it.
As for H&R Block, I filed my federal taxes online with them, since it was free (although I am baffled why I still can't e-file my state taxes... like, aren't I SAVING them money by doing it electronically???)
Anyway, onto the fun.
Bank of America
I can quote the letter I received as saying the following:
Wow. I feel extremely valued. But it gets better:
Okay, so if I'm reading this right, all I have to do is setup an automatic transfer (say, on the 20th of the month) from my checking account to my savings account for $25. Fantastic. Now, what happens if I setup another automatic transfer (say, on the 21st of the month) from my savings account to my checking account for $25? Well, clearly, since I've satisfied requirement #2, I should incur no monthly fee, and yet the net transfer into my savings account for that month is $0.
So in essence, all that Bank of America has imposed on me is maintaining a minimum balance of $25 in my checking account, but only on the 21st of the month. Ironically, the reason that I will close my savings account this week will not be because of the looming specter of monthly fees, but rather because whoever came up with these requirements (ostensibly to recover the cost of maintaining low-balance accounts) is a complete idiot. And I will be sure to point that out.
H&R Block
A couple of weeks ago, I received a CD-ROM in the mail from H&R Block that was a copy of their TaxCut software, which I can use to e-file my federal income taxes this year. Seeing as how I'm not even going to see a W-2 for at least a month (to say nothing of actually starting the filing process), I set the CD case aside on my desk, where it joined the existing Pile of Crap[tm].
Now, a few days ago, when my mail included an envelope (marked "IMPORTANT!") from H&R Block, I assumed it was just another tree-wasting reminder that I should file my taxes as soon as possible using my TaxCut software. Rather, it contained a conciliatory letter that went something like this:
Okay, so let me get this straight. You're apologizing for divulging a highly sensitive bit of my identity out of one side of your mouth, but out of the other, you're saying it's no big deal. And on top of that -- GENIUS -- you've just basically informed me that, if I go down to the mail room and look at a certain section of anyone's TaxCut mailing label (which I would have otherwise dismissed as irrelevant gibberish), I will know their social security number.
So, essentially, by calling attention to something that's not really a problem to begin with, you've given all of your customers the means to steal each other's identities. Bravo.
By contrast, consider another large company that frequently has to deal with admitting and handling security flaws: Microsoft. When it was discovered last week that a hacker could embed malicious executable code within an image (which, by the way, really makes me wonder what the hell they were thinking when they designed their graphics engine), they didn't send a letter to all 872 billion users of Windows that said:
Yeah, that wouldn't have gone over so well.
In conclusion:
KANO. WINS.
For those unfamiliar with my finances (i.e., everyone but me), I should establish that I have a standard checking and savings account at Bank of America (the latter of which has a balance of $39.26, because, like any remotely savvy individual, I stash the bulk of my liquid savings in an ING savings account). The only reason I have this savings account with Bank of America is because it's a leftover artifact from my FleetOne combined checking/savings account from years ago, and I've been too lazy to close it.
As for H&R Block, I filed my federal taxes online with them, since it was free (although I am baffled why I still can't e-file my state taxes... like, aren't I SAVING them money by doing it electronically???)
Anyway, onto the fun.
Bank of America
I can quote the letter I received as saying the following:
Dear Brian:
Because you are a valued Bank of America customer ... beginning on or after February 6, 2006, your savings account may incur monthly maintenance fees and excess withdrawal fees.
Wow. I feel extremely valued. But it gets better:
The monthly maintenance fee on your savings account is $3. You will not receive this fee if you:
- Maintain a minimum daily savings account balance of $300; or
- Set up an automatic transfer of at least $25 per month from your Bank of America checking account to your savings account.
Okay, so if I'm reading this right, all I have to do is setup an automatic transfer (say, on the 20th of the month) from my checking account to my savings account for $25. Fantastic. Now, what happens if I setup another automatic transfer (say, on the 21st of the month) from my savings account to my checking account for $25? Well, clearly, since I've satisfied requirement #2, I should incur no monthly fee, and yet the net transfer into my savings account for that month is $0.
So in essence, all that Bank of America has imposed on me is maintaining a minimum balance of $25 in my checking account, but only on the 21st of the month. Ironically, the reason that I will close my savings account this week will not be because of the looming specter of monthly fees, but rather because whoever came up with these requirements (ostensibly to recover the cost of maintaining low-balance accounts) is a complete idiot. And I will be sure to point that out.
H&R Block
A couple of weeks ago, I received a CD-ROM in the mail from H&R Block that was a copy of their TaxCut software, which I can use to e-file my federal income taxes this year. Seeing as how I'm not even going to see a W-2 for at least a month (to say nothing of actually starting the filing process), I set the CD case aside on my desk, where it joined the existing Pile of Crap[tm].
Now, a few days ago, when my mail included an envelope (marked "IMPORTANT!") from H&R Block, I assumed it was just another tree-wasting reminder that I should file my taxes as soon as possible using my TaxCut software. Rather, it contained a conciliatory letter that went something like this:
Dear Brian:
Recently we mailed you a free copy of our TaxCut(R) software... Due to human error in developing the mailing list, the digits of your social security number (SSN) were used as part of your mailing label's source code, a string of more than 40 numbers and characters. Fortunately, these digits were embedded in the middle of the string, and they were not formatted in any manner that would identify them as an SSN... As a result, we believe the exposure of your SSN digits was limited to you alone, since you are the only person who would recognize their significance.
Okay, so let me get this straight. You're apologizing for divulging a highly sensitive bit of my identity out of one side of your mouth, but out of the other, you're saying it's no big deal. And on top of that -- GENIUS -- you've just basically informed me that, if I go down to the mail room and look at a certain section of anyone's TaxCut mailing label (which I would have otherwise dismissed as irrelevant gibberish), I will know their social security number.
So, essentially, by calling attention to something that's not really a problem to begin with, you've given all of your customers the means to steal each other's identities. Bravo.
By contrast, consider another large company that frequently has to deal with admitting and handling security flaws: Microsoft. When it was discovered last week that a hacker could embed malicious executable code within an image (which, by the way, really makes me wonder what the hell they were thinking when they designed their graphics engine), they didn't send a letter to all 872 billion users of Windows that said:
Dear valued Microsoft Windows user:
Your security is of paramount importance to us, which is why it is important that we share the following information with you. If you compile the enclosed source code using your favorite C++ compiler (preferably Microsoft Visual Studio 2005) and post it on the web as an image, you'll be able to take complete control over any computer that views that image.
Microsoft profoundly apologizes for any inconvenience caused by this bug.
Yeah, that wouldn't have gone over so well.
In conclusion:
KANO. WINS.
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