My Christmas Pageant

JESUS finds himself in an intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, absent-mindedly holding a Happy Meal in his left hand. Hundreds of SANTA's elves are scurrying this way and that, carrying half-finished toys, unpainted candy-canes, and other soon-to-be Christmas paraphenalia. One of them bumps into SANTA as he wanders into the fray with a oversized blowtorch.

SANTA: Hello, Jesus. How are you?

JESUS: Good, good. How are you, Santa?

SANTA: Same-old-same-old... busiest time of the year, you know.

JESUS: Yeah, I hear ya. Big birthday coming up and all... doesn't seem like it's been 5311 years but hey.

SANTA: Yeah. Hey, this small talk is boring the hell out of me.

With a single, agile move, SANTA blasts JESUS with his blowtorch, igniting most of his hair into a healthy blaze.

JESUS: [laughing] Oh man, I'm sorry. Let's get this party started.

SANTA: Bueno... ¿Has mirado como beben los peces en el rio?

An elf presents SANTA with a two-headed Barbie doll and looks for his instruction. SANTA scoops up the elf and swallows him whole.

JESUS: No he mirado nada. El rio está en fuego, entonces está lleno de sangre.

SANTA: ¡¿De veras?! [burps]

JESUS: Sí, es la verdad, pero mis hermanas están escondidas al dentro de la tierra.

SANTA: Pasa así de vez en cuando. Una vez, el Gran Borrador de Sicilia se escondía por dos meses, pero no le gustó los caminos invisibles.

JESUS: Perfecto. ¡Vamos a estar borrachos!

SANTA: Por supuesto.

JESUS and SANTA exit the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic. As they leave, the smoke from JESUS' burning beard begins to take the form of the QUEEN OF SPADES.

QUEEN OF SPADES: All of you have gained thirteen points! If any of you now have over one hundred points, the player with the fewest number of points shall be declared the winner. If more than one person is tied for the fewest number of points, there shall a tiebreaker, as follows.

The QUEEN OF SPADES motions toward UMBERTO ECO, who has begun to descend from the ceiling atop a Pillsbury Crescent Roll.

UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.

QUEEN OF SPADES: Whosoever is tied for the lowest point total shall engage in a debate about the merits of classic Trivial Pursuit versus Trivial Pursuit: Totally 80s Edition. Whosoever wins the debate (as determined by the biblical representation of King Solomon) shall be declared the winner. Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now. Whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down. I'm a searchlight soul they say, but I can't see it in the night; I'm only faking when I get it right.

The scene falls to black for a moment. When the light returns, the scene is no longer the intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic, intergalactic planetary planetary intergalactic; it has become an endless sea of discarded Butterfinger wrappers. Suddenly, BUD SELIG and DAVID STERN fly into view at supersonic speeds, eventually colliding with each other and producing an earth-sundering explosion. Unfazed and unhurt, SELIG and STERN immediately jump to their feet and assume sparring stances.

SELIG: WAAAAAAAAHH-

STERN: HRRRRRUUUUUUHHHHH-

The two engage in a brutal deathmatch. SELIG opens the bout by slicing off STERN's left arm with his 3-foot-long thumbnail. STERN responds by removing his own stomach and, using his esophagus as a whip, flailing SELIG mercilessly. The fight continues in this manner for several minutes, during which various limbs and organs perish and several hundred gallons of blood are spilled onto the set. At some point, a hacksaw measuring 57 inches in diameter mounted at the end of a pendulum begins swinging back and forth, providing an additional obstacle and increasing the general level of carnage. In the finale, STERN's head manages to leap onto SELIG's pancreas and stab it repeatedly with what used to be SELIG's left femur. This ends the fight, but STERN's victory quickly becomes a moot point after a 48,019-pound barracuda casually ingests his head as it floats across the set. There is silence for 8 seconds before PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH presses CTRL+ALT+DELETE on the Iraq War.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Freedom.exe: This program is not responding. To return to Windows and check the status of the program, click Cancel. If you choose to end the program immediately, you will lose any unsaved data. To end the program now, click End Now.

The President snickers and clicks the mouse.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You chose to end the nonresponsive program Freedom.exe.

KING CHENEY XIII: My kingdom 'tis of thee, sweet land of misery, of thee I sing!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Please tell Microsoft about this program. Send Error Report. Don't send. Hmmmm.

KING CHENEY XIII: My array of 4,591 hearts shall make me immortal!!!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: I really can't decide what to do, and I must uphold my public image as the Decider, who Decides.

KING CHENEY XIII: More hearts! More brains! More gall bladders!

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: In trying times like this, I always turn to the Good Book.

JESUS: Conozco un libro bueno.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: Oh really? ¿Cuál libro es?

JESUS: Es un libro de Umberto Eco, "La Nombre de la Rosa."

UMBERTO ECO: La Nombre de la Rosa es Yolanda.

PRESIDENT GEORGE X. BUSH: You bastard! You just ruined the Good Book!

KING CHENEY XIII: And more glucose-rich blood and oxygen so that my mitochondria may produce ever more adenosine triphosphate!

SANTA: Okay, all together now!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, what will I be?

KING CHENEY XIII: And I shall create a device to transform the neurological impulses that trigger happiness into oil!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me. Que será, será -- whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see...

KING CHENEY XIII: With all of the blood and organs and oil, I shall become the north star Polaris!

ALL EXCEPT CHENEY: [singing] ...que será, será.